March Ask Nicole: Practical solutions to everyday parenting challenges

-By Nicole M. Young, MSW

Parenting is hard work—and also incredibly rewarding. One of the greatest challenges any parent faces is balancing the role of parent with all the other priorities in life. Most of us at times feel we are not successfully striking the balance. I know I often feel that way.

Whether you’re a parent, a grandparent or other caregiver of an infant, toddler, elementary school child or teenager, this column has been created for you. It is my hope that this column provides an opportunity for you to share your parenting questions and get answers that help strengthen your relationships with your children.

Read on to learn about the sometimes-mysterious concept of “quality time” and get practical tips and ideas based on the world-renowned Triple P Positive Parenting Program, available to families in Santa Cruz County.  If you have a question, please drop me a line at triplep@first5scc.org.

Dear Nicole,

Parenting experts, therapists and others are always talking about how “quality time” is super important to improving and maintaining good relationships. I am a working mom who struggles to get it all done. Even though I would love to, finding huge amounts of time to spend with my kids seems like an impossible idea, and I’m afraid they will only want to do things that cost money. I just don’t see how I can provide quality time and I feel guilty about it. Honestly, I’m not even sure what quality time actually means. Am I the only one?

-Linda, Santa Cruz

Dear Linda,

This is such an excellent question. I’m so glad you asked it! The term “quality time” has gotten very popular and is often viewed as the cure-all in many relationships. Yet for most of us the actual term is vague, confusing and ill-defined. Many people think of quality time as something big, like going on vacation or spending long periods of time together. While it is good to spend time together in this way, the reality is that many of us end up waiting or saving until we have more time or enough money…and that moment never comes because we get busy with everyday life. This can leave us feeling guilty or defeated.

The good news is that Triple P defines quality time in a way that is not only manageable for parents but strengthens bonds with children. Quality time can occur every day, at any time when you are with your child. It’s about being engaged and responsive when your child needs you. A quick hug, a high five, eye contact, stopping what you are doing to answer a question, or giving your child the attention she is asking for are simple ways to connect—and are all examples of quality time.

Quality time is most effective when you:

Spend small, but frequent, amounts of time with your child. This can be more beneficial than spending longer, less frequent periods of time together. Give your child your full attention for as little as 30 seconds to 3 minutes at a time, often and throughout the day. This type of brief, frequent quality time reassures your child that you’re available when she needs you.  

Pause and engage. When your child approaches you to tell you something, ask a question or involve you in an activity, try to pause what you are doing, listen and give him your full attention for a minute or two. This shows him that he is important to you, and you value his interests and opinions. This is a cornerstone of creating a positive relationship and open communication.

Avoid the “in a minute” trap. If your child needs your attention for more than a few minutes and you cannot stop what you are doing, let her know when you will be available and then follow through as promised. If you say you’ll be there “in a minute” but take longer (or forget) to check back in with her, it is likely to lead to increasing demands by your child and increasing levels of frustration by you.

Quality time is one of the simplest and most powerful parenting strategies in the Triple P program.  It really is true that small changes can make a big difference!

Look for one of Triple P Santa Cruz County’s two pocket guides—one provides general tips and the other is focused on parents of teens. Both pocket guides are free and available at various locations throughout the county, including health clinics, pediatrician offices, schools and First 5 Santa Cruz County.

Nicole Young is the mother of two children, ages 10 and 13, who also manages Santa Cruz County’s Triple P - Positive Parenting Program, the world’s leading positive parenting program. Scientifically proven, Triple P is made available locally by First 5 Santa Cruz County, the Santa Cruz County Health Services Agency (Mental Health Services Act) and the Santa Cruz County Human Services Department. For more information, including classes and one-on-one meetings to help parents handle everyday parenting challenges, visit triplep.first5scc.org, www.facebook.com/triplepscc or www.youtube.com/triplepsantacruzco. To get a copy of the Triple P Pocket Guide for Parents, the Pocket Guide for Parents of Teens or to find a Triple P class or practitioner, contact First 5 Santa Cruz County at 465-2217 or triplep@first5scc.org.